A Real Man
by FanaticFaberrittanaFanfiction
Summary: My name is Finn Hudson. I was the star of McKinley. I was the star of Lima. And now I stand here alone trying to become a real man. (The Break up spoliers are here)


AN: So I am not a Finn fan but this isn't Finn bashing. This is like a character study. Enjoy.

I didn't really watch the episode mostly clips and the performances. Also I do have a strange liking of Finn. I mean yeah he does some stupid shit but he can be sweet and funny and I think if they let him grow he would be an amazing character.

00000

My name is Finn Hudson, I am standing here alone where I was always the star. The high school stage. I never thought that I could get here ya know? To that place and become that person we use to make fun of freshman year. The guy that came to high school parties, dropped in on football practice, and got us beer. He was a joke, former star that turned into a Lima Loser. He left town one night and never came back, I always wonder what happened to him. Did he move to another small town? Did regain his old glory? Did he become something?

Then I wonder about me, like who am I really, ever since I shot myself I've been having this crisis. And now here I am, sitting on this stage thinking for once in my life thinking as hard as hell about what I'm suppose to do next. I didn't want to lose Rachel...but I guess I gotta because it's sorta time. She's becoming this woman and I still don't know what I am or who I am. I never really had a father figure, not a real one, then glee and Schue happened. He taught me so much about being a man but...I feel like he cheated me. I feel like he took something from me. What if I had never joined glee? What if he didn't blackmail me with pot? What if I had never gave Rachel a second thought? What if I had never sung in the shower? I planned on going home that day, shower at home so I could eat and play some games. What if I had just gone home? What if I stayed with Quinn and paid more attention? Maybe she wouldn't have ended up getting pregnant by Puck.

I kinda feel like, I cheated myself. Burt is a great father figure, I wish I had seen it sooner. He tells me when I'm wrong like when I called Kurt's stuff "faggy", he tells me when he's disappointed, and he gets on me for not being honest with myself. When he found out I knew more about Kurt getting bullied he was pissed, he didn't talk to me for a while. Just gave me this look of hurt. I remember seeing that look from Kurt, Rachel, Quinn, and Santana. Hell even Puck. It's a look of pain, distress, anger, disappointment, and heartbreak. It's a look that rest in the deep end my brain.

But it feels like Schue cheated me because he took away my choice, maybe I would've joined glee...on my own. Maybe if he had actually talked to me about my future because who else could I talk to? Rachel dreams so big and so does Kurt, Burt had his own thing, and I was lying to mom about what I wanted. Then the acting thing...I told Schue about that and he just smiled...that should've been a sign. And the look Quinn gave me should have really sign. But she always looks at me like that, everyone does. But it seems like a problem. A real problem. When I think about it now, I should have thought about it then.

Then I think I cheated myself, I could have been a decent football player but I just wanted to be cool. I could have been a better boyfriend to Rachel, I should have let her go. I wish I didn't because she's the only person that can really save me. She listens too me, I hope that we can maybe be friends again. Because she deserves a man. A real man. And I can't even get that part right, I mean I'm already a man but I'm not a real man. I don't know.

Once I figured I could be a man by lying about girls because Puck was so experienced. This one girl cried so I told everyone I lied, they picked on me then dropped it. Then I tried to be tough but I got my ass kicked. So I decided to be big man on campus. Everyone loves me, I am never wrong, and I am awesome. It was easy to just be someone that was cooler than me. I started to gel my hair and wear polo, I went out for football, and I got closer to Puck. I started eying Quinn and I had it all.

But deep down it never felt...right. It felt like I was trying too hard and kind of failing. But everyone liked me so that was cool, so I went with it. I like to think that maybe I would've joined glee on my own and become a better dancer and stronger singer. Maybe Rachel would have fallen for the real me. Because I think the real me is only alive when front center, opening up to everyone around. I'm happier when I'm someone else, because that someone else had it made. That someone else is a celebrity. That someone makes everyone cheer and clap. That someone has the spotlight.

I wonder what I'll do now, I know Schue wants me to help him with glee but I can't do it. I can't be that room with all those memories weighing me down. Every corner of that room screams major events in my life. I found out Quinn cheated on me there, I fought Puck for the first time, I made an ass of myself and had fun doing it. I wore a wife beater and rapped with those guys. Being in this school is hard enough. But when everyone hugged me it gave me what I needed. I need to be needed. I want to be needed. I want someone to need me. Being in glee, no matter how stupid or messed up this sounds, was my chance to be the big man. I was popular and they weren't so they like looked up to me. Once Quinn said they were losers with hero worship of the most loved guy in school. I asked her why she thought that and she just looked at me and said, 'It's high school Finn. People, as a whole, are like moths. We are drawn the brightest light in the room. Like you're drawn to Rachel.' That was the only time she ever said something about me and Rachel without being snide, at least toward me.

Quinn never needed me and Rachel doesn't need me anymore. The glee club doesn't need me, what can I do for them? I don't know how to help someone with their life. I've lived their life in this build just a year ago. I came back to the start and lost it all...my chest is so tight. It was easy to run but it wasn't easy to get away. What will I do now? My eyes burn like hell. I think I'm about to cry because I have no where to go and I have no one to turn to. I burned my bridges when I ran away from her. When I hide from her. When I hide from myself. Wanna know the worse part of all of this? This is the first time in my life I've ever been alone.

"Finn?"

I look up and Santana is standing there, looking like she's been kicked in the chest and hard. Her face is soaked with tears. She walks up sitting beside me on the stage, it's weird. She never really liked me much. I don't exactly blame her. But I worked hard on that apology, though Rachel did say that me singing 'Girls just wanna have fun' was probably a bad choice because...I don't really remember. Santana seemed to like it.

"Are you okay?"

She looks at me, "I broke up with Brittany."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"Yeah, it was for the best." She looks at me, "What's wrong?"

I sigh, "Rachel broke up with me. For real."

"I'm sorry."

We sit here, the light shines on us and I hear her crying quietly so I put my arm around her. She rest her head against me and cries harder so I just hold her. I don't know what to say right now, I'm not good with words. I'm a better thinker, believe it or not. When she calms down I let go and look at her, she looks at me and smiles.

"I ruined your shirt."

"Oh, yeah, it's okay. Uh Rachel use to do it all the time. Like when she lost solos and stuff."

Santana laughs, "Sounds like her."

"It does."

"You love her, don't you?"

"Yeah, I really do."

She looks at me, "Can I tell you something? Something that I couldn't tell you before because I hated you and right now I don't so it's in your best interest."

I smile at the immediate transition in her tone and personality. She sounds the way she did that day in the choir room when she was talking about everyone and plastic surgery. I nod, what could it hurt?

"You're not good enough for her."

Oh, that could hurt.

"But it's not because you're a bad person. It's because you're weak."

Hurting more.

"Because you depend on someone to be the strong person in the relationship. Quinn was way stronger than you, and probably everyone in Lima when I think about it. She did get smashed by a truck." She shrugs, "And Rachel, she use to be weak but only around you. Now she's not, I saw her in the parking lot and she is not the same person. She is so different. From what Kurt has told me, she is changing Finn. She's becoming a woman. And you're still a boy. You're the same jock walking around in his rugby polo with that cocky grin. You need to grow up or you'll never get her back."

She takes my hand and wipes away my tears.

"She will always belong to you Finn, no matter how many people seem better for her, because she loves you. But you have to earn it. Okay? You can do this. Trust me. I don't give out advice on the regular. When I do, take it. Or I'll kick your ass." She kiss me on the cheek.

She stands and starts to walk away, I look up toward her.

"Santana." When she looks at me I smile, "Thanks."

"Welcome." She turns around.

"Santana." She looks again, "Brittany loves you the most."

"Thank you Finn."

Santana walks off leaving me on the stage. I stand up and look around the room, I see people sitting there smiling and cheering, standing up. The lights get brighter and I close my eyes tightly stretching my arms out, I look out again and they're still there, I can hear music playing and I smile. When I blink it's all gone and reality punches me in the fucking face. I walk to the stairs leaving the stage.

There is nothing left for me here.

My name is Finn Hudson, I will become a real man.

0000

AN: Like I said I think Finn could be a wonder in the right hands. My hands my not be right but this is my head cannon.

Also, my mother strong armed me into watching the break up and I've working out this idea since it ended with Finn on the stage.


End file.
